So the reason Jonathan walking out on that beach that day was so important is because a couple months after Kenny was gone for good, Jonathan and I had developed a relationship. It had built over time, spending every day together (yes chasing drugs) and having so many long conversations at our special spot (its a secret, that's what makes it special), a real, good, pure, friendship grew and from THAT the relationship grew. I can remember riding down the road, exactly where we were which was on the road to my Dad's house, and he said, "I want you to be my girl friend" to which I replied, "I thought I already was" with a cheesy grin on my face. And it was so. We were officially together and I was SO happy. I had never had feelings like that for someone before. He didn't know this but, I idolized him. He was my world before he was my world, if that makes sense. But anyway, so that is why I said, that rear view mirror was so important, because that's where it truly started and no matter the time spent away from each other that spark was lit in both of us. The only thing in the way was my oh so toxic relationship with Kenny. But, he was gone and Jonathan and I just grew closer and closer...even though we were doing dope together every day, that does NOT discount our connection. He was the only thing that made me feel good because the drugs didn't even do that anymore. No, they just made me "normal" which in the addict world means NOT SICK. Our relationship was the ONE thing that was just mine, and brought me joy in an intensely joyless lifestyle.
So, we go on for months just hanging out and getting dope and hanging out and getting dope. He even OD'd in my car in our "special place" and I freaked out but I had NARCAN so I hit him with that. I had to physically pull him pants down while he sat in my passenger seat and pull down his pants to give him this shot in the proper location. Long story short, the ambulance met me but by the time they got there he was AWAKE BECAUSE OF THE NARCAN (I can't stress enough how having Narcan with you can SAVE A LIFE, even if it is a stranger. I get this is a controversial issue and now is neither the time nor place for me to get on my soap box about THAT subject.
Back to the story, I had actually gotten in trouble, it was a Tuesday. I was tasked with going to this place called the "quarters" that you DO NOT want to be in, to get us both some bags because he was at work. So I go, get them and decide I don't wanna wait to do mine so I pull over at a park (my son's in the backseat btw) and I park right in front on the playground. Well it was mid-morning so he fell asleep. I did my shot and it s was STRONG and I nodded out right there so someone, understandably, called the cops. I called my cousin to come get Hayden so social services wouldn't take him and then I sat and talked to two narcotics officers who were saying, if you will agree to work with us we will take you in, book you, and let you go. So, of course, I said yes. So Jonathan found a way to pick up my car from the park and he came and picked me up and where did we go? To "town" (that's ours and anyone who does dope's nickname for Wilmington) to get more bags since his were taken and I just wanted more. So we get them, come home, I drop Jonathan off, he lived with his parents at the time, just as I did, and I went home and acted like everything was cool. So Friday comes. Pay Day. This is the day we both look forward to each week...sad, I know. So I had court that morning for what happened on Tuesday (of the same week, keep that in mind) and when I got out I called Jonathan and he said "Come on, we got our checks", so I go get him in Southport and by this time I am feeling pretty bad (dope sick) so I let him, with no license, drive us to town. We get syringes and the dope and pull over at an apartment complex and do what we do and put everything away. During that time, a social worker had called me, and I just told Jonathan I had a feeling, in my gut (which is NEVER wrong) that I was going to lose my son. He buffed it off and said "Babe, that's not gonna happen, stop stressing it." So we leave the complex and head out of town, Jonathan with 4 bags of heroin and me with empty bags (because I saved then and I'd scrape them when I was desperate) in my wallet, syringes, and, well, you get the picture. Then on the bridge, I see this navy blue Camaro and I tell him, "Babe that looks like the undercovers I talked to on Tuesday". He doesn't really say anything and then we rounded the corner which also happens to be the county line for Brunswick (where we live) and New Hanover, where Wilmington is. As soon as we crossed that line cops came from everywhere!!! I'm talk running up to the car screaming "Let me see your hands". Well, my window didn't roll down so I had to open the door and this cop (whom I knew personally) is screaming at me about what did I stuff in my bra so I showed him EMPTY heroin bags. He then hand cuffs me and over on Jonathan's side, the same thing. And my poor son was in the back seat the whole time. Thank goodness he was too young to remember any of this although, I know one day I will have to explain a lot to him and Ava, but that will be when the time comes. Ava already really knows everything. I told her because she is a mature 10yr old and I like being honest and open with my kids. But poor little Hayden was just sitting there watching not having any clue whats going on. This short, *expletive*, cocky cop puts me and Hayden in his Camaro and on the way to jail I ask him if he got up with my Dad and he said yes. So I was like, well is he coming to pick up the baby? He said, "Nope", with this mean, spiteful look on his face, almost happy. He then explains to me that my son will be going into foster care. That's the enormous, eye-opening moment when EVERYTHING, all the years of drug use flash before my eyes and then its like back to reality and I just cried. I whispered to Jonathan while we were waiting to be booked in that Hayden was going to foster care and he just started crying. He stood there with tears streaming down his face. He was blaming himself but I don't know why because I was a willing participant and he definitely didn't have to twist my arm in any way, so it wasn't his fault. It was mine because he was MY son and I am the one who is in charge of him and I let him down. I let my son down in the worst way, I abandoned him. Now I have two children that I love more than life itself and I can't see either of them. My life was shit, and because my life was shit is why this is a pivotal point in my story. More to come later!
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