I apologize for the adjective but its really the only one that embodies how I felt at the time and the reality of what I was going through. God please forgive me? So, after I sat in the county jail for 3 weeks, detoxing off of suboxone & heroin (not fun). I had 2 pictures taped to my wall and they both were pictures of my kids. I had completely and utterly failed at my main role in this life God had so graciously given me. I had failed at being a Mom. Something so important to me that I couldn't put into words. And there I was in a striped outfit, sharing a radio with my roommate Kate (names will be changed as I don't have permission to use their name and although these are true words, I don't know the laws so I am trying to be safe) who was quite a bit older than me but was nice and mature and calm and that's all that mattered. We got a long well. I finally am allowed out. I go to my dads, knowing my son is in foster care, and park my butt in my Dad's "man cave" and smoked cigarettes' and thought. It took about 2 months of this self-loathing crap for me to realize this wasn't me. Who was this gaunt, frail, pale, skeleton of a person starring back at me who had lost her kids and was a complete f*up. Who are you? I didn't even recognize that person staring back at me. I was looking in the glass at the sink in my dad's kitchen at this moment, staring at the reflection....in the glass...and I was terrified. I knew all of a sudden that I needed to do the one thing that terrified me the most because my ultimate goal was to become the mother I needed to be for my babies. So I had this epiphany of sorts. I just realized I needed to check myself into rehab. The reason "check myself" is so important is because THIS TIME, it was MY decision. No one was making me. No one was forcing me. No one had even mentioned it actually. I just called my attorney one day and said, "Hey, I'm going to rehab, they're letting me bring Hayden with me(which is why I chose this route, it kept me with my baby) and I'll be back when I'm back. " He didn't say anything except ok. So there I went, the day came and, yes I was still using, so clearly the problem was substantial, I get the call that says you have to be here by such and such time, and when you get that call, you go. So I said my goodbye to Jonathan (believe me when I tell you how much self talk, and sheer determination and will power it took to leave him behind in a way. It weighed on my mind the whole time I was gone. I was SO afraid I'd get THAT call.) But I also HAD to get better. I had to control what I could and that was ME and MY actions so that's what I focused on.
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